The Money Couple Minute
4 Ways to Agree on Tipping and How Much to Spend on Gifts

When we first got married, Scott had been working as a waiter. He lived off of his tips and knew other waiters depended on them, too. I, on the other hand, had never worked in the food industry and didn’t think much about tips beyond adding a standard 15% to my bill. The first time I watched Scott give our server an incredibly generous tip, I was stunned. That was “our” money he was handing out! Scott is still a generous tipper but now we know we need to talk about money, not just assume the other person feels the same way about it we do. We have noticed that gift giving throughout the year can bring real tension to a relationship especially if one person is a Spender and the other a Saver. That’s why financial communication is so important in a relationship.

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In our book, First Comes Love, Then Comes Money, we spend a lot of time talking about Money Personalities. That’s because so many of the disagreements we have about how to spend money, even gift giving, come from the way we think about money as individuals. Knowing your Money Personality and your partner's Money Personality can go a long way in helping you come together as you make decisions about gift giving throughout the year.

We’ve found there are four main areas people argue about when it comes to giving. Here’s how knowing your Money Personalities can help you work through them:

1. Gift giving: Spenders, for example, aren’t just into spending money, they truly love to give generously as a way of showing love to others. But if the Spender’s partner isn’t on board with all that giving, things can get ugly fast. No matter what your Money Personalities, make sure you and your partner decide on a shopping budget together and do your best to stick to it.


2. Tipping: As we discovered, not everyone has the same philosophy when it comes to tipping. Make a list of everyone you want to tip as a way of saying “thank you” for their service. (See our Tipping Together list for a starting point.) Then abide by that list. If you’re a Spender, resist tossing an extra ten bucks in the tip jar when you get coffee just because you feel generous. If you’re a Saver, resist telling yourself that you don’t need to thank people for their efforts. Work as a couple to decide who to tip and how much to give before either of you hands out - or doesn’t hand out - a year-end gift.


3. Giving to non-profits: Lots of couples make a contribution to a charitable organization, church or non-profit. But once again, this gracious gesture can fall flat if you don’t discuss it with your partner and make decisions together. Our research shows that couples who agree on contribution amounts give more. Choose a handful of potential recipients, do some research, and make your donations to groups you both feel good about, understand and feel connected to.


4. Giving to each other: What should be a simple gesture of love can often become a battleground when couples don’t take each other’s Money Personalities into account. Despite her good intentions, the Spender’s gifts can lead to anger and fear on the part of a Saver who can only see a price tag, not a thoughtful gift. And a Saver can hurt his loved ones when he skimps on gifts or complains about how much is being spent, sucking the joy right out of the reason for the gift. So again, agree on an annual gift giving dollar amount, stick to it, and look at the love behind the gift, not the cost.

Money Huddle Tip: At your next Money Huddle, run down this Tipping Together list and make sure you agree on tips to the people who serve you.


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