The Money Couple - Frequently Asked Questions
1. What makes you "The Money Couple"?2. What does financial infidelity look like?
3. What kind of couples experience financial infidelity?
4. What is the number one challenge couples face with their finances?
5. Since you're the Money Couple, you probably have great financial
communication. How do you do it?
6. I've read other financial planning books. What makes "First Comes
Love, Then Comes Money" different?
7. Does the Money Couple do one-on-one financial communication
counseling?
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What makes you "The Money Couple"?
The couple part is pretty obvious-we've been married for 10 years and have worked together for even more. We are not just a couple, we are partners for life.
The money part stems from our combined 35 years of financial planning experience. We lead Envoy Financial, which provides financial and retirement planning for more than 800 non-profit organizations around the world. We've led seminars, met with huge organizations as well as individuals, and taught thousands of clients how to organize their finances.
Put them together and you have two people who have learned a lot about financial communication and who are passionate about helping couples learn to talk about money in ways that strengthen their relationships. We wrote First Comes Love, Then Comes Money because if you adhere to our principles and financial communication systems then you will have the financial relationship you've always dreamed of.
What do our finances have to do with our relationship?
Everything! Seventy-five percent of divorced couples in the U.S. cite money as the cause of their martial fighting.* One third of married couples report that financial issues have hurt their marriage more than a spouse being unfaithful.* These breaches of trust and respect come from a lack a healthy financial communication. And poor financial communication almost always leads to something we call financial infidelity.
When couples hide money from each other, create secret accounts, try to control each other through money, or just refuse to talk through their money problems, they run the risk of becoming one of the many, many couples that break up because of financial communication problems. But it doesn't have to be that way. We believe there is not a financial relationship that can't be saved if couples learn how to communicate about money. And that's what we're all about.
* "Expert Advice: Love by the Numbers," Raina Kelley, Newsweek, New York, April 9, 2007, Vol. 149, Issue 14, p. 48.
* If He's in the Red, You'll Be Blue, by Michelle Singletary, Washington Post, Sunday, Feb. 12, 2006, p. F01
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What does financial infidelity look like?
Like sexual infidelity, financial infidelity shows up in a whole range of behaviors. It can be anything from hiding purchases from your partner to setting up secret credit cards to draining the retirement account to support a gambling habit.
Not every couple that commits financial infidelity sets out to betray each other. Sometimes the infidelity sneaks into a relationship without anyone really noticing. She fudges the truth when he asks her how much those new shoes cost. He tells her he's paid a bill he didn't pay. But these little secrets and lies can quickly turn into bigger-and more troubling-behavior. She spends money when he's asked her to cut back. He starts moving money out of the kids' college fund to pay the interest on bills he's let slide.
In First Comes Love, Then Comes Money, you'll learn more about the subtle-and not-so-subtle-forms of financial infidelity that might be infecting your relationship right now. More importantly, you'll learn how to make it stop before it destroys you.
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What kind of couples experience financial infidelity?
Financial infidelity is an equal-opportunity home wrecker. It can show up with couples who have a ton of money and with couples who have nothing. It doesn't matter how old you are, how long you've been together, how smart you are, how much debt you have, what kind of car you drive, or what kind of house you live in. It crosses economic, ethnic, educational, religious, and geographic boundaries.
The good news is that with the financial communication tools you'll find in First Comes Love, Then Comes Money, you can recover and prevent financial infidelity.
Do these tools really work for everyone?
We have seen relationships fail because of financial infidelity. But when a couple is truly committed to changing their patterns and building a financial future together, they really can turn even the most desperate situation around. We've seen far more couples come back from the brink of disaster than fall off the edge.
We believe that the tools you'll find in First Comes Love, Then Comes Money are so effective that you will see true financial communication compatibility in 90 days.
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What is the number one challenge couples face with their finances?
It's hard to say which comes first-the communication problems or the assumptions behind them. But together, they create a relationship that's ripe for financial infidelity.
Nearly every couple we meet with has stopped communicating about money. They might be yelling about it. They might be controlling each other with it. They might be using it to hurt each other. But they aren't communicating.
That lack of communication usually stems from a long-held set of beliefs couples have about each other. He thinks she's too tight with money, so he doesn't tell her the truth about his spending. Or she thinks he's irresponsible, so she cracks down on the budget. The assumptions they have get in the way of them working together to create a financial life that works for both of them.
The process of developing healthy financial communication begins with discovering what we call your money personality. It's a way of understanding why you and your partner think about money in such unique ways. Once you have this new insight into each other, those assumptions start to fade away making room for real financial communication.
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Since you're the Money Couple, you probably have great financial communication. How do you do it?
You would think that as two financial professionals we'd make nothing but smart financial decisions. You'd be wrong.
We know a lot about money, but we have gotten ourselves more than $30,000 in debt (you can read about Scott's unauthorized kitchen remodeling project in First Comes Love, Then Comes Money). We have great financial communication, but we still had a very tense weekend when Scott went to the electronics store to buy a TV and sound system and came home having spent about ten times the amount we'd agreed on.
The difference between our relationship and some of the financial trainwrecks we try to repair in our work with couples is that we realize that the debt isn't the problem. We realize that the overspending isn't the problem. The problem in both of those situations is that we didn't communicate. We didn't respect the plans we'd made together. But we recovered-financially and relationally--because we were willing to recognize that blame, shame, and anger weren't going to get us anywhere. Instead, we worked together to pay down our debt. We worked together to return a lot of equipment to the electronics store. And we worked together to figure out how we got off track and how to prevent it from happening again.
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I've read other financial planning books. What makes First Comes Love, Then Comes Money different?
Other financial planning books and seminars focus on how to reduce debt or set a budget or set aside money for the future or create wealth. That's all fine, but we find that unless a couple has strong financial communication, all the budgets and plans in the world won't help them.
First Comes Love, Then Comes Money isn't about creating budgets or reducing debt. Instead, our book shows you how to identify the financial communication issues that are causing your financial problems and gives you the tools to overcome them.
Clearly, the financial planning systems that have been put out there in the past haven't worked-the financial crisis we are in right now is all the proof you need. If you really want to create budgets that work, if you really want to plan for your financial future, then you have to learn how to communicate about money.
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Does the Money Couple do one-on-one financial communication counseling?
We are available for group workshops and seminars that lend themselves to one-on-one consultations. Contact us for more information.
We also provide all kinds of customizable resources for couples to use at home.
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